My mom appeared in my dream last night. She rarely makes an appearance in my dreams, so I pay close attention when she does. I remember feeling happy when I saw her. My mom was smiling, wearing her hair in a long, loose ponytail, and her face was made up lightly. She was also wearing a brown top. I recall me feeling relieved when I saw her, and she was nodding her head and talking calmly. Then in an instant, her serenity shifted into yelling. I don’t remember what exactly she was yelling about, but she went into a tirade. I felt so anxious. This went on for a few seconds before I woke up.
So many emotions went through my mind at that moment. Happiness because my mother appeared in my dreams again after so long. Sadness, because her peace turned into pain. Worry, since I’m trying to interpret the meaning of my dream. Somewhere deep down, I believe I have an understanding why her emotions shifted so fast. In my daily life, I ask for her assistance in my life dilemmas. There’s been so much happening in my life the past two years, and I struggle to break out of my difficulty. Perhaps this is my mother’s way of pushing me to change my routine. The signs are right there, I picture her saying to me, you need to act. Now.
I always had my mother’s support when she was alive. Although she’s no longer with me, I want to make her proud.
As I get ready for a very long Tuesday, I try to be mindful of what I’ve accomplished so work life doesn’t get too stressful. At least more stressful than it already is, especially with a problematic left wrist:
- I completed all my room displays for the month. I most likely need to switch out one of them, just to keep things consistent.
- I printed out everything for my portion of the naeyc portfolio. All I need to do is place the pages into the book.
- I have a routine in place for the ‘late group’ I have at the end of the day. Working until 6pm is a very long day.
I will be very, very relieved when the week is over!
Yesterday I actually had time to change most of my classroom displays before my shift ended. It usually takes forever switching things out, especially managing five toddlers as I’m working on my room. I had the room all to myself when my shift ended also, instead of craziness with little ones staying in my room. I was so relieved that I was done early that I left the job at 5:45. Since I didn’t need to worry about children making a mess when I’m not there, I left. It was beginning to rain anyway, and all this talk about a nor’easter approaching had me act on the safe side.
When I came home I learned it was World Book Day. I got so excited, since I adore reading. My mother taught me to read at a very young age, so I always held reading close to my heart. I can’t wait to actually have time to pick up a book for leisure again. Work and planning has sadly placed reading for fun on the back burner. Which makes fulfilling a reading challenge go to the wayside also. I’ll be happy if I can read five books for fun this year, at the rate I’m going.
Life has a way of telling you that it’s time to explore something new. My life experiences up until this point has shown me that I’m capable of producing valuable work, and I should not settle for a situation anything less. My current situation has clearly shown me this. I try to tell myself that the countless hours of dedication to a work environment that’s less than ideal will pay off in the end. I can also say that I’m not feeling patient enough to see change take place. I’m just thankful that I have a great support system in Andy. He’s very understanding during the many days of me prepping and planning work until the late hours. I can only hope that today will bring some peace within the craziness.
My birthday is here! I woke up not feeling any different, yet today is a special milestone. 40 is an age my friends and I always dreaded reaching…everything seemed to freeze once that number is hit.
I’m in a feeling of mild disbelief, yet grateful of everything I been through in my life thus far. Feeling surprised, but looking forward to more days ahead. I have so much to live for…planning for my wedding (still no date and limited funds, but it will happen), seeing my nieces and nephew grow up, and seeing my poetry and writing flourish even more. I look forward to apply my creativity towards my working life also. Keeping the toddlers entertained in the classroom.
When I turned 30, I asked my mother if she felt any anxiety when she reached that age, since I was feeling a bit nervous at the time. ‘No, I didn’t feel anything about reaching that’, she responded. She was so casual, but it also taught me to embrace time because we have so little of it. Now that I’m celebrating 40, I wish to have her here to share the moment. I realize she’s always watching me, telling me ‘Don’t worry, you’ll be okay’.
So today I’m celebrating my special day, my 40th birthday. And I’ll enjoy every moment.
Yesterday one of my good friends in the poetry therapy community posted ‘Harlem’ by Langston Hughes, in honor of his birthday. It’s one of my favorite poems, since its imagery inspired me to express myself poetically. ‘Harlem’ speaks of a community that’s vibrant, yet having their dreams deferred by constant struggles.
I read ‘Harlem’ with the knowledge that I also handle dreams that face struggle and hardship. They are different than the difficulties Hughes describes in his poem, yet my dreams can also be effected by doubt and anxiety from time to time. I can only do my best to care for myself in these situations. To not be hard on myself when feelings of doubt take over. My dreams may be deferred at the moment, but it’s temporary, and it’s important for me to remember that.
Today brought a snow storm that worsened as the day wore on. Our center had a delayed opening, yet the issue of it being open at all today remained as the winds and snowfall gained strength. We were all relieved when the center closed early.
When I got home, I took an extended nap. Perhaps it was from me working non-stop and rising early, but I truly needed the rest. My dreams during that nap were quite strange though…I was back at work, and numbers were strewn across the floors. Forts of every creation were arranged down the halls.
I guess my dreams are calling to my creative side, to get more connected with this other part of myself. Work has certainly awakened my creativity. Now it’s just the need to branch out.