Tag: #motherlessdaughters

December 1, 2018: Remembering Her Birthday

The beginning of December is always bittersweet. My mom would have been 66 on this day, yet she is no longer with me. I wish I could say to her ‘Happy Birthday’, and have one more conversation with her. To hear her voice one more time. Mom would always take things in stride, and I know that right now she would want me to live my life, not think about many negative things to keep me down. She was always a low-key type of person. Today is definitely a moment to connect with family. It’s a Saturday, which means that I give my family a call to check in. Hopefully my grandparents are in good spirits.

November 10, 2018: Mixed Feelings

A chill is in the air this weekend. I haven’t been outside for a few days, yet I can feel the draft seep in when sitting near the kitchen window. Winter made an unannounced visit to remind autumn that yes, the dormant season is right around the corner.

This time of year brings its blend of celebration and sadness. Celebrations, since Thanksgiving and Christmas brings together family and friends. Sadness due to some of my loved ones departing around this period. December 1 would’ve been my mother’s 66th birthday, and that time is always difficult. Next weekend will be a year since mine and Andy’s beloved beagle Daisy went to the Rainbow Bridge. I still remember the day she passed. I think those memories will always stick with me.

Perhaps I feel so melancholic today due to being stuck in the house most of the week. Cabin fever is a wicked thing.

October 22, 2018: 300 Days

This morning I began looking through the ‘Together for Life’ readings we need to select for the wedding next year. At first glance it feels overwhelming. So many passages to choose from! Some feeling too lengthy, too short, or too limiting. As I spent more time searching, my mind settled somewhat. The readings all were meaningful, I just need to find the ones that will apply to mine and Andy’s big day. The book details the entire service, so I found myself imagining our day as I’m reading each phase of the ceremony. It made me feel a little excited!

There are so many other details that I now need to worry about, such as florals and aesthetics. And finding a way to include my mom in the ceremony. Knowing that she’s no longer here, yet having her with us.

It will soon be August before I know it, and I want my wedding to be a memorable experience.

September 26, 2018: Last Night’s Dream

My mom appeared in my dream last night. She rarely makes an appearance in my dreams, so I pay close attention when she does. I remember feeling happy when I saw her. My mom was smiling, wearing her hair in a long, loose ponytail, and her face was made up lightly. She was also wearing a brown top. I recall me feeling relieved when I saw her, and she was nodding her head and talking calmly. Then in an instant, her serenity shifted into yelling. I don’t remember what exactly she was yelling about, but she went into a tirade. I felt so anxious. This went on for a few seconds before I woke up.

So many emotions went through my mind at that moment. Happiness because my mother appeared in my dreams again after so long. Sadness, because her peace turned into pain. Worry, since I’m trying to interpret the meaning of my dream.  Somewhere deep down, I believe I have an understanding why her emotions shifted so fast. In my daily life, I ask for her assistance in my life dilemmas. There’s been so much happening in my life the past two years, and I struggle to break out of my difficulty. Perhaps this is my mother’s way of pushing me to change my routine. The signs are right there, I picture her saying to me, you need to act. Now.

I always had my mother’s support when she was alive. Although she’s no longer with me, I want to make her proud.

March 24, 2018: Family Time

Today was a day spent with family. Andy and I went to a birthday lunch for his niece this afternoon. She turned 4 years old this week, and already she can’t wait to turn five! Since she begins school next year, it will truly be a milestone event for her and her parents!

After the lunch we went to Clifton, where I visited my mother’s resting place. I make every effort to visit her every month, and since her memorial anniversary was on Thursday, it was meaningful for me to be at her gravesite at this particular time. It was a sacred moment to honor her and reflect on the times we shared together.